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What constitutes an apology

nohat — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 02:10:01 +0000

The non-apology apology is quite common. Many famous people make them who are not really sorry. But no one seems to have fully articulated what constitutes an actual full apology. This is my attempt. A true full apology is a sign of a truly civilized person—a gentleman or lady apologizes fully. Anything less is insincere, and, frankly, childish.

In short, an apology must have three things: it must acknowledge personal fault, it must convey contrition, and it must contain promise to improve. Furthermore, an apology may contain an explanation, but it must never contain an excuse. It may also contain a plea for forgiveness. An apology must apologize for one’s own faults and behaviors. It is not an apology if it apologizes for someone else’s reactions.

I am sorry I broke you favorite mug. I know you really liked that mug and I wish I had been more careful with it. I promise that I will be more careful with your things in the future.

Here the apologizer acknowledges that he is responsible for breaking the mug. He acknowledges and expresses regret that his actions distressed someone else. Finally, he promises to not let it happen again. A true full apology.

I am sorry I made sexist remarks in such a public place. I understand that sexism can make women feel marginalized and I really regret that my comments hurt people. I will do my best to make sure that I bite my tongue next time sexist comments occur to me.

The apologizer acknowledges that his remarks were sexist and they were made in an inappropriate forum. He acknowledges that he understands why no one should make sexist remarks and that he is truly remorseful about the hurt feelings his comments caused. There is also a promise not to do it again.

The Holy Father is very sorry that some passages of his speech may have sounded offensive to the sensibilities of Muslim believers

What’s wrong with this? The pope did not acknowledge that he had done anything wrong. The pope did not express regret and sympathy with what he did wrong, only that others reacted in a way he didn’t expect. The pope did not indicate that he would attempt to avoid offending Muslims in the future. Here’s what a civilized apology would have looked like:

The Holy Father is very sorry for making offensive comments about Muslims. Though it was not his intention to offend, it is clear the speech was poorly written and the Holy Father may have inadvertently conveyed some conceptions he has about Islam in a hurtful way. Although the Holy Father is not a Muslim and does not share the belief system of Islam, he understands that mature participation in the global religious community requires being more diplomatic in the criticism of other religions, and will endeavor to do so in the future

I found this great little post which explains why you should never condition your contrition on someone else’s feelings:

One thing many people say, which you should NEVER say, is, “If I offended you, I apologize.” That is the worst sort of fake apology: It’s like stealing someone’s wallet, and saying, “I’m sorry if you felt you were inconvenienced.” When you say “If I offended you, I apologize,” you’re implying that the other person is to blame-for being so over-sensitive as to be offended, or so selfish as to demand an apology. You’re making it clear that you’re not sorry for anything YOU did; you just resent the other person’s reaction.

The whole article by Joseph Dobrian is really quite good. You should read it.

Robert Lane Green from The Economist wrote a great commentary about Charlie Sheen’s non-apology apology for calling Chuck Lorre “Chaim Levine”: “If they feel upset about something that was misinterpreted, I feel terrible about that.”

This isn’t a half-hearted apology, but a quadruple non-apology.

No “if” clause, Mr Sheen, and especially no “if they feel upset”. What you said doesn’t mean “I’m sorry”, because you’re conditioning your contrition on someone else’s reaction. Don’t do that.

No “something that was misinterpreted”. This is the agent-free passive that doesn’t say who did the misinterpreting. “Some feelings are bruised out there. Who’s to blame? Beats me.” If you’re confused, you’re not apologising.

But it seems you’re not confused about who’s to blame. The verb “misinterpret” itself points the finger at the people who are upset. This one word ruins an entire apology.

And finally, skip “I feel terrible about that.” When you offend people, it’s not about your feelings. Sure, “I feel terrible” can express contrition, but it’s also ambiguous, allowing the possible inference “I feel terrible that I got caught.”

So, in conclusion, at the minimum, an apology should contain:

Acknowledgement of personal fault
Contrition and remorse
Promise to improve or at least not do it again

Any less, and it’s a non-apology apology. That is, it is unworthy of acceptance as not a real apology, and the apologizer is not owed any forgiveness for making it.

Radio Shangri-La in Chinese

nohat — Thu, 26 May 2011 20:18:43 +0000

My friend Lisa Napoli wrote an amazing book called Radio Shangri-La. Lisa asked me for help pronouncing the title of her book in Chinese, so I asked my Chinese friend Tingting to pronounce it for her.

Radio Shangri-La Chinese pronunciation

不丹调频	Bù dān tiáopín	Bhutan FM
我在世界上最幸福的地方	Wǒ zài shìjiè shàng zuì xìngfú dì dìfāng	I am in the happiest place in the world

Twitter Updates for 2010-11-15

nohat — Mon, 15 Nov 2010 15:00:00 +0000

I just unlocked the "JetSetter" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/9IPJ80 #

Twitter Updates for 2010-11-08

nohat — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 15:00:00 +0000

San Francisco taxi drivers = hilarious #

Twitter Updates for 2010-11-07

nohat — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Diego golfing http://yfrog.com/mgq69fj #

Twitter Updates for 2010-10-22

nohat — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Maggie Gallagher & NOM: gay teen suicides ARE blood on your hands. http://goo.gl/liME #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-27

nohat — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

comfort food for an uncomfortable day (@ Sonoma Chicken Coop Skyport) http://4sq.com/5pSlPR #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-24

nohat — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Steve's Guide to Ground Zero http://budiansky.blogspot.com/2010/08/steves-guide-to-sacred-precincts-of.html #
@beingchelsea get well soon Chelsea! Sounds like you've been suffering lately, and my thoughts are with you. in reply to beingchelsea #
@merriamwebster Oh dear, everything is so…different. Why do I have to I have to click through to view pronunciations? #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-23

nohat — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

did beer cooler sous vide steaks today. Turned out deliciously perfect, although the cooler lost heat more rapidly than I would have liked #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-22

nohat — Sun, 22 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

is cooking chicken breast tenders sous vide in a beer cooler #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-21

nohat — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

RT @FakeAPStylebook: Strunk & White sure were a couple of dicks, weren’t they? #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-20

nohat — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

@rnewman Isn't it ironic, don't you think? in reply to rnewman #
@TheFoodLab Hi Kenji, love your recipes and articles! What happened to step 2 in the sous vide rack of lamb recipe? http://is.gd/ephbT in reply to TheFoodLab #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-12

nohat — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Do you think Sookie Stackhouse has an e-mail account? #
@mrsnewman I once had hiccups for 3 straight days. Nothing is more terrifying than waking up and immediately hiccuping in reply to mrsnewman #
Metal bowls in the microwave—not a bad idea! Who knew? "On Food and Zapping" – http://nyti.ms/bApujU #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-06

nohat — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Listening to @spencerchen swear like a sailor while he loses in Wii Tennis to our intern in reply to spencerchen #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-05

nohat — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Ugh. When did this place get belly dancers? Belly dancing– (@ Cafe Artemis) http://4sq.com/UsMFC #
Hooray! Prop 8 ruled unconstitutional! http://prop8trialtracker.com/2010/08/04/breaking-prop-8-ruled-unconstitutional/ #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-04

nohat — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

I just became the mayor of camille's sidewalk cafe on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/ctfwCQ #
Michael Bublé's raison d'être is to be cougar bait, right? #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-02

nohat — Mon, 02 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

New menu board, new sign, posted application to change ownership. Hope the food is the same (@ Rincon Sabroso) http://4sq.com/ajOMhD #

Twitter Updates for 2010-08-01

nohat — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 14:00:00 +0000

I just unlocked the "I'm on a boat!" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/cS0OFy #
Sailin' (@ Santa Cruz Harbor w/ 3 others) http://4sq.com/aIbsC5 #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-30

nohat — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

I just ousted @jpeepz as the mayor of cheese steak shop on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/bMFSSf #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-29

nohat — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge's Taxonomy http://is.gd/dP6mH #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-28

nohat — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Hot lard with cracklins http://yfrog.com/0iu8ruj #
making fresh rendered lard http://yfrog.com/055y5j #
RT @erinlewis: My sister just said: If I go on twitter I don't have to twitter, right? I can just listen to people, yeah? Me: wild laugher #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-27

nohat — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

poor, pathetic east coasters, reduced to laboriously re-creating In-N-Out Double Doubles, instead of eating them fresh http://is.gd/dKWqo #
@rnewman there is a fantastic solution to the baggage claim problem, but like flying first class, it's quite pricey: FedEx. in reply to rnewman #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-26

nohat — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

it doesn't really matter if the top drops http://is.gd/dIZgs #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-23

nohat — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

@rnewman forgot to change your one-click ship to address? I had stuff sent to Tellme after I got laid off that way. in reply to rnewman #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-21

nohat — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

@mrsnewman alt + prtscn? in reply to mrsnewman #
@mrsnewman where are the twitpic screen caps? Your adoring fans want to see in reply to mrsnewman #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-20

nohat — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Fogbugz—the bug tracking system where if you want to be sure someone sees your bug updates, you send them a separate e-mail. #
FYI, when Miss Manners says "I beg your pardon!" what she means is "That was very rude!". http://www.denverpost.com/books/ci_14650429 #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-19

nohat — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

What is the deal with people pushing around dogs in strollers? #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-13

nohat — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

Awesome Polish wordplay http://www.economist.com/blogs/johnson/2010/07/johnson_1 #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-09

nohat — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

I am quite certain if I died alone that once their food ran out that my cats would eat me. #
Yikes! Vet says Balthazar needs $1000 dental work. Am I a bad person for thinking I could get 10 new kitties for that kind of money? #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-08

nohat — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

I just ousted @braisinhussy as the mayor of Zeni Ethiopian Restaurant on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/63lQQ1 #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-03

nohat — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

"soccer"—is that the sporting contest with a ball shaped like a C60 molecule? #

Twitter Updates for 2010-07-01

nohat — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 14:00:00 +0000

I just became the mayor of Madhuban on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/8ZkcVK #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-29

nohat — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 14:00:00 +0000

WORST AMAZON SUGGESTION EVAR http://yfrog.com/5s73962523p #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-27

nohat — Sun, 27 Jun 2010 14:00:00 +0000

At the SJC open house—all the fun and excitement of going through airport security without any of the hassle of actually flying somewhere. #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-26

nohat — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 14:00:00 +0000

@mrsnewman better to just drink it all before you leave then ;-) in reply to mrsnewman #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-19

nohat — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

waited a long time for Sushi On The Run, but it was totally worth it #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-18

nohat — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

I just ousted @theschnack as the mayor of Zeytoun on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/72rW4f #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-16

nohat — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

@cupcake_muffin wedge-shaped scones are delicious and must be eaten with clotted cream in reply to cupcake_muffin #
@cupcake_muffin raspberry scones are delicious. I got no recipe, but make a big circle of dough and then slice into wedges before baking in reply to cupcake_muffin #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-15

nohat — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

Quizno's has now officially joined Subway on my Do Not Eat list. FYI. #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-14

nohat — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

Portable A/C from Costco: $400. Custom cut window insert from TAP Plastics for exhaust: $40. Taking a nap on a hot day in a cool room… #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-12

nohat — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

it's nice having a foreigner around, so you can laugh at things like "fun size" again #
I just became the mayor of camille's sidewalk cafe on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/ctfwCQ #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-08

nohat — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

I just ousted @angelheart704 as the mayor of TAP Plastics – Mountain View on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dnyt5Z #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-07

nohat — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

rt @ebertchicago "Consider the rights of others before your own feelings, and the feelings of others before your own rights." – John Wooden #
@mrsnewman we have a pool and you are welcome to it any time! in reply to mrsnewman #
attention voters in San Jose district 9: do not vote for homophobic fascist Larry Pegram, founder of hate group "Values Advocacy Council" #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-05

nohat — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

"marca global deportiva y de entretenimiento" is not "global brand sports and entertainment" but "global sports and entertainment brand" #
Google Translate has issues translating adjectival phrases from Spanish to English … #
when it comes to video recording and playback, I have to say that Android sucks. iPhone may be picky, but at least it's not just WRONG #
Finally got my USA-Spec iPod adapter installed in my car and now I can listen to Pandora while driving. #

Twitter Updates for 2010-06-04

nohat — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 07:00:00 +0000

I <3 Cat Deeley. #

Twitter Updates for 2010-05-30

nohat — Sun, 30 May 2010 07:00:00 +0000

aka IHOK (@ International Kabob House) http://4sq.com/aW1m6a #
What's the economic incentive to provide a senior citizens' discount? #

Twitter Updates for 2010-05-29

nohat — Sat, 29 May 2010 07:00:00 +0000

@breanut more squirrels than you can imagine! and you get to catch all of them! in reply to breanut #

Twitter Updates for 2010-05-28

nohat — Fri, 28 May 2010 07:00:00 +0000

is recarbonating flat Pellegrino with his @sodastreamusa #

Twitter Updates for 2010-05-27

nohat — Thu, 27 May 2010 07:00:00 +0000

@mrsnewman Brea doesn't count as one of the Newmen? Because it sounds like she maimed you today. Feel better! in reply to mrsnewman #

Twitter Updates for 2010-05-25

nohat — Tue, 25 May 2010 07:00:00 +0000

No, kitties. They're Cats Cookies but they're for people. It says so on the container. Sorry. http://yfrog.com/08pllrj #